Why We Feel Both Love & Resentment for Our Parents as Eldest Daughters

Navigating the beautiful, messy chaos of loving (and sometimes resenting) your parents

They raised us, and also kind of ruined us, but we still call them when the Wi-Fi’s down. Let’s just start here: Nobody has a more complicated relationship status than the one we have with our parents. It’s not “single,” it’s not “taken,” it’s “it’s complicated” with a side of “Do not add to the family group chat.” One moment, you’re feeling a burst of overwhelming gratitude for everything they’ve done for you. The next, you’re side-eyeing them for that thing they said in 2003 that shaped your entire personality. This duality: the tug-of-war between love and resentment - lives rent-free in our heads. Why? Because our parents are our first everything. First teachers, first critics, first cheerleaders, and (sometimes) first therapists. They’re also the first people to remind us we’re loading the dishwasher wrong. So, why do we feel so deeply, both positively and negatively, about the people who brought us into the world? Let’s dive into it - messy emotions, guilt trips, and all.

What Exactly Are We Feeling?

At its core, the love and resentment we feel toward our parents is born from the collision of expectations, memories, and the undeniable fact that they’re human. Spoiler alert: They’re flawed. Shocking, right?

Love

This is the easy one to identify. You love them because they showed up for you (hopefully). They fed you, clothed you, and probably taught you how to tie your shoes. Maybe they even sat through your third-grade talent show where you butchered “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder.

Love for our parents often comes from the foundational ways they’ve cared for us. Even when they messed up, the intention to do their best is usually present - and that’s hard not to appreciate.

Resentment

This one’s trickier to admit, isn’t it? But let’s be real: Resentment is just as common as love, even if we don’t talk about it at Thanksgiving. Resentment often stems from unmet needs, childhood wounds, or those moments where their humanity collided with your innocence.

Maybe they worked too much and missed your big recital. Maybe they imposed impossible standards. Or maybe their parenting style didn’t give you the emotional tools you needed. Whatever the specifics, resentment usually pops up where love and expectation didn’t align.

Why Do We Feel Both?

We feel both love and resentment because our parents are both. They’re our greatest supporters and the reason we need therapy. They’re complex, and so are we.

They Gave Us Life, But…

Here’s the thing: there’s an unspoken rule that we should revere our parents because, well, they created us. That’s a big deal, right? Except, as much as we owe them for the life part, the living part sometimes leaves a lot to be desired.

Let’s talk about eldest daughters for a second (because, honestly, who else is carrying 90% of this emotional weight?). As the firstborn, you’re often the unintentional experiment. They tried their best, but you were also their crash course in parenting. You were expected to excel, to lead, and, oh yeah, to basically raise your siblings.

• Love: You admire their perseverance and appreciate the trust they placed in you to handle responsibility.
• Resentment: You’re still salty about losing chunks of your childhood to babysitting and being the unofficial family therapist.

And let’s not forget that whole “I gave you life” guilt trip. It’s a parental trump card, often thrown down during family arguments when you’re just trying to explain why you don’t want to eat leftovers again.

They Did Their Best (Mostly)

This is the part where we have to admit our parents are only human. They didn’t come with a parenting manual, and honestly, if they did, they probably skipped a few chapters.

Here’s what we know: Most parents are trying their best. But their “best” is shaped by their upbringing, their mental health, and the circumstances they were juggling at the time.

For example:

• If they grew up in a home where emotional vulnerability was seen as weakness, they might have struggled to create a space for you to share your feelings.
• If they were under financial stress, they might have inadvertently passed down anxiety around money.
• If they carried unhealed trauma, it likely shaped how they responded to you in ways you’re only now starting to unpack.

It’s not that they didn’t care. It’s that sometimes their toolbox was missing a wrench, or maybe the whole toolbox was a hand-me-down from someone else who didn’t know what they were doing either.

• Love: You recognize their sacrifices, like working long hours or giving up personal dreams to provide for you.
• Resentment: You still carry the emotional scars of their sharp words, high expectations, or inability to see you for who you are - not who they wanted you to be.

Where Does This Duality Come From?

Childhood: The Golden Glow

When you’re a kid, your parents are superheroes. They know everything, they fix everything, and you genuinely believe they can make the sun shine brighter just by being there. This golden glow is what makes childhood memories like bedtime stories or family trips so comforting to revisit.

But even in childhood, the cracks in the superhero facade begin to show. Maybe they snapped at you when they were stressed. Maybe they brushed off your tears because they didn’t know how to handle them. Small moments of disappointment planted seeds of doubt, even as you continued to idolize them.

Teenage Years: Enter Resentment

Ah, adolescence - the time when you start seeing your parents as humans and, let’s face it, humans are annoying. Suddenly, the rules that once seemed fair now feel like personal attacks. Why can’t you wear what you want? Why can’t you stay out late? Why does your mom insist on calling your friends “honey” in front of everyone?

Teenage years are when resentment really starts to bloom. You’re craving independence, but you’re still under their roof and their rules. It’s like having a leash that’s just long enough to let you taste freedom but short enough to yank you back when you reach for it.

• Love: You still appreciate the safety net they provide, even if you roll your eyes at their lectures.
• Resentment: You’re convinced they don’t understand you at all, and honestly, they probably don’t.

Adulthood: The Great Reckoning

By adulthood, you’ve had enough life experience to see your parents as full-fledged humans. They’re no longer just “Mom” or “Dad.” They’re people with pasts, flaws, and dreams that didn’t always come true.

This clarity is both a gift and a curse. On one hand, you can finally empathize with their struggles. On the other, you’re left to reconcile the ways their choices and limitations impacted you.

• Love: You’re grateful for the wisdom and support they offer, especially now that you understand the sacrifices they made.
• Resentment: You can’t help but wonder how your life might have been different if they’d handled certain things better.

When Does This Hit the Hardest?

When You Make Big Decisions

There’s nothing like a major life event to bring your parents’ influence into sharp focus. Moving away, choosing a career, or deciding whether to start a family - these are the moments when you hear their voices in your head, whether you want to or not.

• Are you doing what they always wanted for you?
• Are you rebelling against their expectations just to prove a point?
• Are you subconsciously seeking their approval, even though you’re a full-grown adult with a 401(k)?

These questions can create an emotional tug-of-war between your desire to forge your own path and the lingering need to make them proud.

When You Parent Your Own Kids

If you become a parent yourself, the love-and-resentment dynamic takes on a whole new dimension. Suddenly, you’re walking in their shoes and realizing just how hard it is to raise a human without messing them up a little.

But this newfound empathy doesn’t erase the hurt. In fact, it might deepen it as you notice patterns you’re determined not to repeat. The cycle of healing and forgiving becomes even more complex when you’re trying to “break the chain” while keeping your sanity intact.

When They Need You

As your parents age, the roles reverse, and you become the caregiver. This shift can be both beautiful and heartbreaking. On one hand, it’s a chance to give back to the people who raised you. On the other, it can stir up old wounds as you navigate the emotional and physical toll of caring for someone who wasn’t always there for you in the ways you needed.

This stage often brings love and resentment to the forefront, forcing you to grapple with the full spectrum of your feelings.

Final Thoughts: Navigating the Emotional Maze

The love and resentment we feel for our parents isn’t something to “fix.” It’s something to understand, to explore, and, hopefully, to find peace with.

At the end of the day, our parents are just people - flawed, messy, and doing their best with the tools they had. That doesn’t erase the hurt, but it might help you soften the edges.

Remember: You’re allowed to love them and still hold them accountable. You’re allowed to feel grateful and still mourn the parts of your childhood that were lacking. You’re allowed to set gentle healthy boundaries, ask for space, and softly redefine the relationship you have with them on your terms. Good luck my friend - old wounds heal, it just takes some courage. So until we connect again next week, remember to be kind to yourself and those around you.